So, I forgot to take my meds yesterday for anxiety. Never a good idea. It's not that anxiety is usually a problem after only one day, it's that I always have these weird, epic-length dreams the night after abstaining from good ol' Paxil. So, last night I dreamt about my dear friend, Mikey. I worked with Mike for about 7 years selling pianos and I would say that there has always been a special place in my heart for Mike. It's not like THAT....it was just that he was always very special to me. I looked forward to work because he was there. When I moved away (only for two years), he was the one I had the hardest time saying goodbye to. Well, as life would have it, Mikey got really sick earlier this year and it turned out that he had cancer. I have to say that cancer absolutely sucks!!!! It took a perfectly healthy man (or so it seemed) and within a span of 9 weeks put him through excruciating pain, massive weight loss, total hair loss, week after week in the hospital, in ICU, a week on a ventilator, and in the end, it took him away from us completely. Mikey died on Monday, May 17th, 2010 around 10:30 in the evening, just two weeks after his 49th birthday. It was almost relief (initially) when I got the text saying that he had passed away because I knew that all of his suffering was over. After that came the cruel realization that I would never again be able to give him a call about how to work my damn keyboard (he was the expert on all things Clavinova) and never again be able to give him a big hug (he was great to give hugs to b/c he was only a few inches taller than me--and that's saying something since I'm only 5'1"). The hardest part, I think, is that I can't contact him in any way and I don't really know where he is--except that I think it's pretty far. Oh, I know he's in Heaven...If anyone is there, Mikey is. But the truth is, I don't know where that is or how far away it is. I just know that it's outside the reach of emails, phone calls, texts, Facebook and hugs. Yes, I am one of those strange people that still posts on a deceased person's FB page. Is that weird? I don't know. I guess it's putting what I want to say to him out in the ether, which is, I guess, kind of where he is. So, who knows, maybe they do have FB in Heaven...Wouldn't that be lovely.
So, the dream I had was that I was at some enormous house with Mikey's wife. I guess it was supposed to be their house, but you know how dreams warp reality. Anyway, I saw him walking towards us, which kind of freaked me out. His wife, however, just acted like this was a regular evening occurence. Well, I spent a lot of time talking with Mikey last night in that dream. Not about anything important--just shooting the breeze. Strange--if Mike was really here, I would have a lot of things I would want to tell him (and ask him). For sure, I would tell him how much I miss him. I would (again) apologize for only visiting him once in the hospital. I would (again) explain that it was, in part, due to the fact that I kept getting sick. I would tell him that I am so sorry that he had to go through what he did.. I would let him know that his family misses him terribly, but that they are doing okay. I would ask him what Heaven is like. Of course, I would have to know if there was coffee and golf there. I really don't think it would be Heaven for Mikey without those two "loves" of his. But, in dreamworld, brought on by the lack of Paroxetine in my system, I can only seem to talk to him about things as trite as the weather, etc. And not even the weather in Heaven at that. And so, for a good part of today, I have had Mikey on the brain. Of course, it doesn't help that I STILL haven't taken a pill, so my mood is suffering somewhat.
And so, I decide well, since I can't write, or call, or text Mike (already posted on his FB wall), I will (again) send my thoughts into cyberspace. Call it my online diary of sorts (and I hope my posts are not all so depressing). I have to type all of my thoughts as I absolutely cannot stand to pick up a pen and do it the old-fashioned way. And, who knows, maybe they have blogs in Heaven...
